Alzheimer's:"They" and "Them" Paranoia

Mom told me she found the new painted cups she thought had been stolen. She found them on a shelf in the bathroom. Earlier in the week she was convinced "they" had come in and stolen them from her kitchen counter.

Alzheimer's seems to warp and distort personality characteristics. Mom has a life long battle with loosing stuff. As a child, I remember her tearing the house apart to find a lost billfold or piece of jewelry. She would get frustrated and determined to search until the item was found at the same time berating herself. Alzheimer's has added a faulty memory, more frenzy and paranoia.

Mom has two other complicating ingrained life habits, she hates clutter and is a constant organizer. If she sees something out of place she will put it anywhere out of site, thinking she will remember. That is how the cups ended up in the bathroom, her billfold in the dresser drawer, and her meds in the wrong cabinet.

Mom loved a clean organized home, it made her feel good and gave her a sense of accomplishment. Today, she is constantly reorganizing and compulsively putting things out of site and always looking for things she has misplaced, convinced "they" have stolen it. What once was a source of comfort and pride is now a constant frustrating humiliating battle.

Suzie's Abuse:Father, Mother and Predators

A child abused over an extended period of time experiences disassociation as an automatic response to new abuse or triggers. This allows the child to survive the abuse and also to function under "normal" everyday circumstances. As abuse continues the child constantly shifts between alters and her host personality. Clap on. Clap off.

Susie's abuse was initiated by John and compounded by a complacent mother. Suzie's mother ignored unusually severe diaper rashes, and cries when Suzie was held by the father. This mother told me Suzie cried a lot as an infant and never wanted to be held by, or go anywhere with John. This astounding statement from the woman who finally divorced John when confronted with overwhelming evidence of abuse! Suzie was even hospitalized as a young child for a severe urinary infection. Sadly, doctor awareness of abuse was not as prevalent in the 70's and a case of bubble bath allergy was diagnosed.

EVERYTIME there was a thunder/lightening storm John would take Suzie into the bedroom or basement alone to sooth her fears, fears generated by him. He put her to bed, which was part of the abuse routine. Through Libby, a Part, I learned this memory: "One of the littles told me, Suzie was about 2 or 3 and was naked on the couch after her bath. She was touching herself. Both the parents are in the living room looking at her telling her to stop. She has her legs apart and just started looking down there like there was something wrong. Then she was laughing and John was getting mad. Donna kept saying why is she doing that? John said just ignore her, she is not doing anything. Then John put her to bed."

Suzie did everything she could to stay away from her father to avoid the abuse. All the while the mother looks the other way. A recent memory revealed Suzie was bathed by the mother who stated over and over "you are a dirty girl" and vigorously washing her vagina. Mother purchased a baby doll nightie and although Suzie fought, begged and pleaded, mother made her put it on and parade down to the basement to show Daddy. Daddy liked it.

As I am working on this blog Suzie disassociates and Libby presents herself. She announces, I am Libby and I want them (the readers) to know we don't wear costumes. Those Hollywood types don't know, we don't change our clothes all the time. I asked if she ever has Suzie wear her favorites and admitted there are jeans with holes she likes. Libby had seen the United States of Tara and wanted to let it be known Parts don't always change clothes.

Suzie's therapist recently mentioned the unfortunate ability of the predator to recognize DID victims. The predators presence literally pushes the victim into a disassociate state. So, I asked Libby to explain.

Libby is age 13 and a bit angry. She recently came to the dome, she is in a dim, warm and quiet place away from everyone. She explains the predator phenomena: "The predator gives me a "creepy" feeling in the pit of my stomach, a feeling like you have been there before. You can't move, he sees a glaze or a mask on me. Then you just follow and things just happen. Because you know what is going to happen next. It is the same crap that has always happened. So you just follow. It is the same thing of taking your clothes off and spreading your legs and letting him take over you. You wait for the junk to be done. You wait for him to go away. You can't fight it, the dark is too strong and the voice is too strong. The voice tells you to take it so you take it. Like you just lie down in submission because you deserve it, so you do.

Me: why do you deserve it?

Libby: you just do.

Me: I don't understand that Libby, can you help me?

Libby: I deserve the pain and the suffering, because of the pain I caused.

Me: What pain did you cause baby?

Libby: It does not matter.

Me: What could a 13 year old girl do to deserve this kind of pain?

Libby: I am not good to my sisters and I do not take care of them very well. I hit my sister with paddles when she does not listen. Now she listens to me sometimes. I am just trying to keep her safe, no one understands that. If she gets in trouble she will not be safe. They all think I am a bitch anyway.

This is the first time I have had this type of conversation with a Part. Libby has related a memory from the littles as well as sharing personal information. The shared memories between Libby and the littles are a form of integration, which is a step towards a healthier life. Libby is in the dome, something new. Coming in to the dome from the dark puts Libby in a safe place away from further abuse.

Suzie Q's coping characteristic is the precocious 5 year old no one would want to abuse. Libby is the 13 year old angry bitch no one would want to abuse. Neither girl had a chance.

Mom And Alzheimers

Dad passed away in 2000 and Mom's partner of 50 years was suddenly gone. She was amazing, taking over the decisions on the farm and household, asking questions, seeking advise to make informed choices. Slowly it became apparent there were difficulties in remembering small things, we blamed the stress and her sense of loss. Shoot, Mom always lost things, forgot peoples names or any other of a growing list of concerns. We denied the problem.


I would usually call Mom each day, often the phone would ring busy. After repeated attempts, I would drive out to the farm to check on her. She would always be OK, she just forgot to hang up the phone. She would berate herself, saying, "what is wrong with me?" Increasingly, she got angry and hit herself in the head with her fist. I would calm her down, often with humor and she would relax. Each episode took something from her spirit, a loss of confidence, it added fear and increased her level of stress. We still looked away.


A serious car accident made it apparent we needed to look at possible medical problems. Mom simply drove through an intersection, saying she did not remember anything. We saw a neurologist and Mom was diagnosed with moderate to advanced Alzheimer's disease. My sisters and I went into research mode, conferencing the Alzheimer's Association, asking the tough questions of doctors and professionals and then putting plans into effect to protect Mom from her environment and herself. Every visit, every appointment included Mom in the process. She did not always remember what we were doing, but we did not hide a conversation or decision.

Alzheimer is a cruel disease, there is no cure, and very little medical help to forestall the impending disaster. Alzheimer is a silent killer, slowly robbing the ability to think, and communicate. Every day with recognition and minimal confusion is a very good day indeed.

Suzie's Trauma

Dissociative Identity Disorder develops when trauma occurs and the Host is unable to comprehend and recover. In addition, there may not be a compassionate caregiver to help the Host recover and prevent additional abuse. In Suzie's case the trauma was significant and she had no one to go for help.

Imagine the DID mind, the Dark is where all the Parts are reliving the trauma while trying to protect the Host and also punish. In Suzie's case, the Parts vary in age from infant to late teens, they also vary in personality types, some are bullies and some are victims, just like life itself. They wander in the dark and form small cooperative groups. Once the therapist has diagnosed DID the work begins to communicate with the Parts. Once a level of trust is established the goal is to reveal the traumatic memory. At revelation, the Part is shocked, goes into denial and disbelief, finally acceptance and healing can begin. The Host experiences the same process.

Suzie Q was the first to present herself to the therapist, with compassion C was able to learn Q's memory. Later, I would learn from Suzie the double horror of her life. Suzie's trauma was repeated rape by her father. In addition, her mother was willing to ignore all the signs her baby daughter was being abused. Suzie had no way to learn this is not how parents love and take care of their children. Suzie thought this abuse was love. Father rape started as an infant until age 12.

To survive this horror and to help the Host survive, the brain capsulized the trauma. Each Part retained at least one memory and developed a method to try to repeal future abuse. Suzie Q's coping mechanism was to be a lovable precocious creative clown. Her logic was who could purposely hurt such a child? Well who the hell indeed?

DID and Me

Dissociative Identity Disorder occurs when a traumatic event is too great to understand and endure. A split happens. Disassociation allows the mind to separate memories from normal consciousness. These memories are not erased, they are retained by a Part and may resurface at a later time. The Part's job is to protect the System from the memory, and in Suzie's case to punish her for letting the event occur.

Suzie started to see a therapist several years ago for anxiety due to constant voices and chatter she was experiencing. One night she told me she was diagnosed with DID and shortly after I met Suzie Q. Q is a precocious 4 to 6 year old. When Q presented, Suzie's face would become animated, and her voice changed to that of a young child. At first Q was tentative and shy, over the years she has become if possible more animated and precocious! Q is a helper for the System, providing a virtual who's who and helping bring parts in from the Dark. She is brave and wise beyond her years. Q gives Suzie a sense of child like wonder and wit.

The goal of therapy is to bring the Parts in from the Dark, to relate their memory and move into a safe place. Ultimately the goal is to unite all the Parts together, each Part has an important characteristic Susie needs to make her whole. Suzie's safe place is called the Dome and Q was the first to move in. The Dome has everything to entertain young children. Q has a magic drawing room, where anything she draws becomes real. She created a roller coaster, a swimming pool, horses, hot air balloons and an Unicorn. The activity Q loves the best is flying. She just closes her eyes and flies. I asked if she has ever hit anything and she said, no, not yet, but the birdies say WOW, watch out for that flying Suzie Q!

A conversation with Parts has become an everyday event of my life. We communicate to help Suzie or they tell me how wrong I am about something I have said or done. I am a threat to Parts in the Dark, they watch me closely to make sure I do not hurt Suzie, they also expect me to leave. In order to protect Suzie, they try to push me away. The kid Parts have the same logic as their memory/split age and they never mature. It is always important to learn the age of the Part to know how to interact. Everyday is a new day...

Background: Who we are...our challanges

I am a 60 year old Lesbian professional sales rep right here in River City. I married Suzie in July 2000. Suzie was diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder in 2002, she has 20 some individual parts. She also also deals with sleep apnea, narcolepsy, migraines, pseudo tumor cerebri (a different kind of headache), disabling hip arthritis, post traumatic stress disorder, medical induced high blood pressure and diabetes.

Dad passed in 2000 and shortly after Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. She also deals with crippling rheumatoid arthritis in her hands and feet, osteoporosis, high blood pressure and heart arrhythmia. Since 2000 she has been hospitalized three times. Once for arrhythmia for which she received a pace maker Once for breast lump removal, benign, yea! The last time for internal bleeding caused by uncontrolled blood thinner medication. She bumped her arm and it became swollen and turned black from fingers to her neck. Mom is now 84 and living in a long term care facility. Right now she can take care of herself and has an apartment.

Me, I'm 60 this last December, and work for an insurance company. I realized I was different as early as grade school, but could not define it. I started reading everything I could get my hands on looking for someone who felt the same way. I read Buck, Rand, Faulkner, Hemingway, Shakespeare and Chaucer to name just a few. I did not know what I was looking for and did not even know when I found it. I finally dated a girl and experienced some heavy kissing and petting (hey this was in the 60's) I befriended a high school teacher and for the first time I was able to find a name, until then I had this unknown passion. I came out to my parents, and they felt I needed to be cured, I had no reason to feel other wise, so I went along and allowed myself to think this was possible. I got married in 73 and had 2 babies, just as I thought I was supposed to do. I regret nothing, the marriage was difficult, but I was blessed with 2 perfect kids and I love them deeply. I divorced in 1995 and have been able to finally be comfortable with who I am.

New Day Under Construction

This blog will relate information about my life in the middle of Alzheimers Disease and Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I am simply leading this life, I have no formal or informal training, I am a participating observer. I have made and will continue to make mistakes. I will make no treatment reccomendations, only relate what I have seen and how I act and react.