Doing the least I could do and succeeding

I have never been active in public concerns, groups, churches, or charities. My life energy has been directed to family, friends, work and trying to take care of myself. Some where in the past I developed a simple creed to "do no harm". The idea developed if I was not going to dedicate my life to good works, the least I could do was no harm.

Since last March I have been on a personal journey of good mental and physical health. I have lost 89 pounds, decreased my list of diseases and medications increased my stamina and focus. I worked on understanding myself, what makes me tick and what ticks me off. Therapy has helped me release demons and freed me to try new endeavours. I have stepped outside my comfort zone raising modest funds for 2 charities. I volunteered to research and write a memorial for a women who impressed me with her selfless dedication to making this world a better place while living a life well lived.

I also decided to write this blog. My intention was threefold, first and foremost to relate observations and reactions caught in the middle of Dissociative Identity Disorder and Alzheimer's Disease. Second, I thought our story might help others. Some one might identify and realize they were not alone. Someone else might obtain a clearer understanding of two difficult illnesses. The third reason was to self heal, to release into the vast blogging universe my thoughts, feelings and realities. I came to realize a cathartic moment, hitting post seemed to dissolve and carry away pressure.

I first broached the idea of blogging with C, Suzie's therapist. She was initially supportive and gave me encouragement. Suzie and I discussed the idea for several weeks. Initially, she choose not to read the blog. This was to be my outlet and she did not feel compelled to read about the life she was living. Curiosity kills the cat and slowly things started to unravel. Suzie was drawn to the blog, like a moth to a flame, the more she read, the more she burned. Parts related feeling exposed. I agreed to get approval before I told their story. What I did not understand was even though I got permission from one Part the memory belonged to all. Suzie started to feel I was only interested in her story. I was no longer a safe port in her storm.

My last posting related Parts increased activity. This was a direct result of my blogging. One Part posted and initiated communication with a reader. Suzie worried the Part was tactless and apologized on line. Suzie Q related a memory and with permission I published. Later I learned this was a new memory Suzie had not revealed. Memory work has a critical path, revelation, denial and acceptance. I got in the middle.


Life is out of control, Suzie needs to feel safe. She needs me to change my focus away from her and to tell my story rather than hers. She asked I never relate a memory that has not been revealed and lastly that I allow her to read before I post. Her reasoning and requests are valid and yet I hesitate. Suddenly, she drops a devastating bomb, some parts have lost their trust in me. Plus, a large part of her recent therapy has dealt with the trauma I am creating.


What have I done? How did this go so wrong? When I become part of the problem and no longer part of the solution, I am doing harm. I have to reevaluate, for now I have to stop.

DID: That Suzie Q

Last night as Suzie was making dinner I looked up and she had her arms wide like an airplane soaring around the kitchen. Catching her attention, I said Hi Suzie Q! I got a big smile and wave from a 5 year old. I asked if she was flying and got a yes, how did you know? Suddenly the oven timer rang she waved and was gone. Q is not allowed to use the oven.

Later in the evening Q popped out again, her mood started light talking about C the therapist's birthday and then sending me an email. Suddenly we were talking about a memory of visiting a counselor in first grade. She asked her teacher if she could talk to Klapp. She said he liked to do a trick with his hands, taking off his thumbs. Teacher arranged the meeting and Q tried to tell him what was going on at home. Back home she got in trouble with the mother. Klapp had called reporting nothing wrong and Q did not need to talk to him again. Miss Q went on to rant about stupid men and why did they not listen? I tried to reassure her C and I are here to help, I tried to get her to smile. We talked about my writing about her experience and she supports me letting people know how hard it is for Littles to protect themselves. Q went on to tell me she heard the older girls talking about troubles with boys and men. She concluded she did not want to grow up to marry a Prince anymore.

Suzie's Parts have been coming and going fast and furious with little notice or warning. One night while watching a mystery movie Libbie presented asking me if I liked seeing women get hurt? I tried to defend my love of mystery novels and movies, saying they were just stories. She said the ideas came from somewhere. I realized I did not have a leg to stand on! How could I watch a movie with assaults to women and decry violence? I am now looking closer at deeds and words.

Liza drove me home Thursday night. I did not even see the transition. She was upset with a comment I made to Suzie about "a half a$$job". Liza was justifiably pissed with me, but it is hard to have a personal argument with an angry stranger. We arrived home and she left the truck running telling me to get out, she was going for a drive. It was difficult, but I managed to get Suzie back and diffuse the situation. I had to repeatedly call her full name, asking to speak with her and Suzie finally came back to me. This is scary, I don't like confrontation and certainly try to avoid it with Suzie's Parts. Sometimes I am tempted to mask or hide my feelings and concerns. I probably need to edit what I say, but it would be wrong to hide my feelings. Parts need to know I am here to stay and sometimes things are not fine.

Parts have been reading my blog. Liza responded to a comment left by a reader. She asked the disarming and honest question of how a woman can live with a hurter? I do not have an answer.

Dissociative Identity Disorder Never Sleeps

Suzie has 20 or more Parts, we think and hope the majority have been transitioned into the Dome, a safe place of light. There are several known Parts outside the Dome, in the dark. Parts interact in groups or alone. Some help others with projects and daily care. Recently Suzie has experienced a great deal of stress and conflict. Parts have been moving back and forth between the Dome and darkness. There has been memory work and conflict resolution with C the therapist.

In addition, I have had conversations with several Parts who are upset with my writing. They feel exposed and compromised. In the past a well meaning professional reported the father's rape to the police. This was done after assuring Suzie he could be trusted with the truth, after all it couldn't be that bad could it? After learning it could be that bad, he did what was required by law. The exposure and resulting "he said" vs "she said" with the all male police was very traumatic to the System. The mother would not corroborate the abuse and the case was dropped for lack of evidence. As a result, "telling the truth" has been greatly feared and avoided at any cost. I was not aware of the full story and have promised to discuss my work with any Part I name in the future.

This week I was awakened by different Parts having difficulties. All of the Parts have been in the dome and alone. They wake me softly crying my name. One was separated and lost from the group, one had fallen in a hole, and one was stranded alone during a storm. In each case I ask the Part to identify herself and tell me her age. This allows me to know if we have a history. If I know the Part it is easier to help right away. I calm her, try to determine the problem and suggest a solution. If I do not know them, I need to establish rapport and trust, then use the same method to solve the problem. The Dome, like the human mind is capable of all things. One of it's amazing features is the Rope. The Rope can hold, protect and guide a Part. It also appears on demand. I reminded each Part this week about the Rope, I told them to sing out "Rope" and it appeared and then I urged the Part to tell the Rope what was needed, to guide them to the safe house, to pull them out of the hole or to take them to Grandma. As they were moving away, I reminded them I am here to help, to never be afraid to ask me for anything and that I love them. This kind of help and support is initially foreign to the Parts and they are often skeptical and afraid. I think the System has been so severely hurt and abused it is afraid to trust and afraid what is given may soon be withdrawn and replaced with abuse.

Imagine the effort it takes Suzie to live not only her life on the surface, but also the 20 or more lives inside. Each life is a separate entity unto itself, with different thoughts, experiences, and identity. They never sleep, they are only more or less active. They all may be talking and thinking at the same time, all expressing some thought, opinion or concern, all different. Imagine trying to make sense of the cacophony of sound and activity. Imagine trying to think something on your own, to move against the stream of consciousness. It overwhelms me.