Doing the least I could do and succeeding

I have never been active in public concerns, groups, churches, or charities. My life energy has been directed to family, friends, work and trying to take care of myself. Some where in the past I developed a simple creed to "do no harm". The idea developed if I was not going to dedicate my life to good works, the least I could do was no harm.

Since last March I have been on a personal journey of good mental and physical health. I have lost 89 pounds, decreased my list of diseases and medications increased my stamina and focus. I worked on understanding myself, what makes me tick and what ticks me off. Therapy has helped me release demons and freed me to try new endeavours. I have stepped outside my comfort zone raising modest funds for 2 charities. I volunteered to research and write a memorial for a women who impressed me with her selfless dedication to making this world a better place while living a life well lived.

I also decided to write this blog. My intention was threefold, first and foremost to relate observations and reactions caught in the middle of Dissociative Identity Disorder and Alzheimer's Disease. Second, I thought our story might help others. Some one might identify and realize they were not alone. Someone else might obtain a clearer understanding of two difficult illnesses. The third reason was to self heal, to release into the vast blogging universe my thoughts, feelings and realities. I came to realize a cathartic moment, hitting post seemed to dissolve and carry away pressure.

I first broached the idea of blogging with C, Suzie's therapist. She was initially supportive and gave me encouragement. Suzie and I discussed the idea for several weeks. Initially, she choose not to read the blog. This was to be my outlet and she did not feel compelled to read about the life she was living. Curiosity kills the cat and slowly things started to unravel. Suzie was drawn to the blog, like a moth to a flame, the more she read, the more she burned. Parts related feeling exposed. I agreed to get approval before I told their story. What I did not understand was even though I got permission from one Part the memory belonged to all. Suzie started to feel I was only interested in her story. I was no longer a safe port in her storm.

My last posting related Parts increased activity. This was a direct result of my blogging. One Part posted and initiated communication with a reader. Suzie worried the Part was tactless and apologized on line. Suzie Q related a memory and with permission I published. Later I learned this was a new memory Suzie had not revealed. Memory work has a critical path, revelation, denial and acceptance. I got in the middle.


Life is out of control, Suzie needs to feel safe. She needs me to change my focus away from her and to tell my story rather than hers. She asked I never relate a memory that has not been revealed and lastly that I allow her to read before I post. Her reasoning and requests are valid and yet I hesitate. Suddenly, she drops a devastating bomb, some parts have lost their trust in me. Plus, a large part of her recent therapy has dealt with the trauma I am creating.


What have I done? How did this go so wrong? When I become part of the problem and no longer part of the solution, I am doing harm. I have to reevaluate, for now I have to stop.